The Hogswatch Story
by Fanfic Authors' Fanfic Author
Summary: The Christmas story translated into discworld
1. Rudolph the NonDiscworldrelated Song

Don't worry, the first story will exist soon, meanwhile I'm just telling  
y'all my idea - I'm remaking the Christmas Story for Hogswatch. And while  
we're at it, could someone please review and tell me how to do bold and  
italics?  
Just to keep you going, here's a non-Discworld related songwossname which  
my friends and I made up last Christmas when we had to do a charity event  
at school and were bored out of our brains. The brackets are the sub-chorus  
jumping in.  
***Rudolf the Headless Reindeer***  
Rudolf the headless reindeer (reindeer)  
Had a non-existent head (like a tree-stump)  
And everyone who saw him (saw him)  
Wondered why he wasn't dead (Uh oh!)  
All of the other reindeer (reindeer)  
Used to laugh and call him names (like Marie Antoinette) *  
They wouldn't let poor Rudolph (Rudolph)  
Join in any reindeer games (like staring competitions) **  
Then one soggy Christmas Eve (Oooooh)  
Santa came to say (Ho Ho Ho)  
Rudolph with your head not there, I want you to wash my underwear! (-The  
hell? Why underwear? -It rhymes! -Okay.)  
(Hem hem) ...um... (Get on with it!) ...uh... dum dum dum... (*quizzical  
expressions*) uh... Does anyone remember the rest of the words?  
  
*I ^think^ she was the one who got her head chopped... I think the  
guillotine is my favourite weapon after the Blunt Instrument (to whit, A  
Dragon). Hairpins are good too.  
**Reindeer have a lot of time on their hands- Hoofs! 


	2. Three Wizze Men

Okay! Three Wise Men  
  
Ridcully, Rincewind and the Bursar are trudging through a blizzard, closely followed by the Luggage.  
  
Ridcully: Okay, now we go north until... hang on, this map is upside down!  
  
Rincewind: *Groan* We're gonna die!  
  
Bursar: Wimple teaspoon thank you very much!  
  
Ridcully: Hmmm... maybe we should have turned... no... wait...  
  
Rincewind: I want my potatoes!  
  
Bursar: And a one, two, one two five egg!  
  
Ridcully: You two aren't helping.  
  
Rincewind: We're gonna die!  
  
Bursar: Spoon.  
  
Ridcully: This is ridiculous men! We are wizards! Finding some stupid barn in a blizzard ought to be a breeze!  
  
Rincewind: You mean the same kind of breeze which is the cause of my hat being on the top of that huge pine tree three miles back?  
  
Bursar: Doooby dooby doo doolop!  
  
Ridcully: *Theatrical sigh* Press on, men! Tally ho!  
  
Rincewind: I liked that hat. And there aren't any potatoes.  
  
Bursar: Thort thower of thit! *erupts into giggles*  
  
Ridcully: Rincewind, where are his dried frog pills?  
  
Rincewind: They were in my hat.  
  
Bursar: Tootle turtle tower!  
  
Ridcully: Oh, bugger.  
  
Rincewind: Why have we been invited to some stupid birth anyway?  
  
Ridcully: Because he is apparently going to be a wizard and we have to give him old Windle's staff.  
  
Rincewind: Really? I thought they said she was a virgin?  
  
Ridcully: Don't be ridiculous man! We may be wizards but we aren't stupid! That's a physical impossibility!  
  
Rincewind: Apparently.  
  
Ridcully: Right...  
  
Rincewind: We're lost aren't we?  
  
Ridcully: Certainly not we-  
  
Bursar: Weeeeeee threee kiiiiiiings!  
  
Ridcully: Oh dear, he's getting worse. Are you sure there aren't any spare pills in that luggage thing?  
  
Rincewind: [gloomily] no. Just clean laundry last I checked.  
  
Bursar: Fooolooowiiiiing yonder staaaaaar! *points upwards dramatically*  
  
Ridcully: Bigods, there is a star there!  
  
Rincewind: Oh, no, not again...  
  
Ridcully: Well, in the absence of any other landmark whatsoever at all, I think We'll just have to follow it, or we'll end up going round in circles.  
  
Rincewind: *Sigh*  
  
Saga Three: Disgruntled Shepherds 


	3. Three Shepherds

Disclaimer: As aforementioned (or pOmnian Shepherdsibly not) I own neither Discworld nor any of the characters wherein, neither do I own Christmas, although I do own a rather grotesque Christmas card bearing upon its cover a constipated teddy bear.  
  
Reviews:  
  
Gaia Ravyn Myles: Coming right up!  
  
Mobius Shadow: ... ... ... *tilt* ... ... ... ... ...??? And I don't know what confused water-fowl have to do with it. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Yeah, I wrote Harry Potter and the Stoned PhilOmnian Shepherdopher. I haven't changed names for a while though... last time it was Maggie Bloom.  
  
Lily C: That's actually a good idea... of course; everybody knows men can't ask for directions...  
  
Saga Three: ShepherdS  
  
Three shepherds approach through the snow.  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: Forward, men!  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: Why?  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: Why not?  
  
OMNIAN SHEPHERD: It is our Holy Duty!  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: Holy... right...  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: Right! OnwarDisgruntled Shepherd!  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: What about the sheep?  
  
OMNIAN SHEPHERD: The Lord will provide.  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: No he bloody well wont, Lord Thorne wont even let us herd our sheep too clOmnian Shepherde to his lanDisgruntled Shepherd, how likely is he to actually keep the bloody things safe for us?  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: I don't think that's the Lord he's talking about, Bob.  
  
OMNIAN SHEPHERD: We must follow the star, for the Lord Christ is born!  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: ...Wha? Star? Lord Christ? Nobody said anything about-  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: Oh, don't be such a spoilsport! Isn't this fun?  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: No.  
  
OMNIAN SHEPHERD: We must not shirk! It is our duty and privilege to attend the birth of the Lord!  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: What? The Lord will provide, but The Lord isn't born yet? ...how much of that stuff did he have, Jim?  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: ...uh... after the third round? I lOmnian Shepherdt count.  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: Oh, bugger. Why didn't you keep track? You know how he gets!  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: Come on, he's Omnian. They all talk like that.  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: No they don't, they just go on about Om and try to give you leaflets. Anyway, I thought we had him cured of that.  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: Obviously not...  
  
OMNIAN SHEPHERD: There!  
  
Shepherds look up.  
  
CHARISMATIC SHEPHERD: Hey, there IS a star there...  
  
DISGRUNTLED SHEPHERD: Oh, there'll be no living with him after this... 


End file.
